Last Friday, Spouseman, my husband, Light of My Life a.k.a my daughter, and I celebrated the 10th anniversary of the day we became a family. Words will always fail to capture the enormity of joy, grace, hope and responsibility of becoming the parent of a child like LML. There was more than that at work in our life. In October of 2010, the same day we received permission to begin her adoption process after 2 years of incredible legal maneuvering in Mexico, we also found out that Spouseman had a fairly aggressive form of cancer. Thus, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Our lives were changed irrevocably over a 6 month period. Even in the midst of the wonder and newness a tiny girl brought with her, pieces of my life–our life–were lost that even now, I still grieve for.
I remember my prayers reaching dead ends everywhere I turned. It felt incredibly arrogant to ask for a miracle. Why me, if others won’t be spared? What does it say about God if my most fervent prayers are not answered? Don’t tell me that God has a reason for what is happening? How can I pray for God’s will to be done, if that means I am to be a widow? Into the chaos of half-formed efforts to pray came a few words, sent by a parishioner at my husband’s church. It was a simple prayer from “A New Zealand Prayer Book”. It is perhaps the most theologically honest prayer I know. In this season of Lent, when I am especially mindful of prayer in my life, it is my bedrock.
God of the present moment.
God who in Jesus stills the storm
and soothes the frantic heart;
bring hope and courage to me
as I wait in uncertainty.
Bring hope that you will make me the equal
of whatever lies ahead.
Bring me courage to endure what cannot be avoided,
for your will is health and wholeness;
You are God, and we need you.
Do you have a prayer or phrase that is your bedrock?