The Time I Inhabit

My most amazing friend and college roommate, C., introduced me to George Moustaki when she returned from her Junior Year Abroad in France, way back in ‘81. One of his songs, “Le Temps de Vivre” captured my angst, my hope—my innocence—as I looked ahead to the life I’d been given, that was just beginning to unfold. 

It spoke reverently of time, and our capacity to seize hold of it, for the sake of living and love. I grew up in Colombia with parents who insisted we know world events.  When I heard Moustaki sing about the words written on “the walls of the month of May,”  I knew immediately that it was a reference to May of 1968 in France, a time of great upheaval and unrest. There are any number of ways to understand what happened in those days. I, a university student when I first heard him, believed passionately, that ‘68 was a year of profound hope that took hold in the hearts of university students there and all over the world, including Colombia.

In “Temps de Vivre,” Moustaki insists, “that change can come one day, that everything is possible, everything is allowed.” Even 12 years after ’68, I believed change could come in the social order. Not only that: this new beginning would be a mirror of the young love I so eagerly awaited and just knew would come for me as well. When it arrived, it would be endlessly available, endlessly open, endlessly focused on my beloved. 

That kind of time Moustaki sings about came, and of course so much else did too: The loss of innocence. The willingness to accept more and more complexity in politics, in relationships, in just about everything around me. Love has ebbed and flowed in my marriage. So has the clarity about my vocation and work. As a mother, I have found myself on my knees begging for God’s mercy more than once, not knowing how to get through the next hour.

Now, standing on what is the ‘other side’ of the arc of my life, I am reaching the halfway point of my month-long time of vacation. As much as has been dismantled by life itself, these days have revealed a core, something so fundamental and strong, that I can look back on that song and those hopes with affection, even knowing as I do now, how often life gets “disassembled, rearranged.”  They have been days remarkably free of regrets, nostalgia, planning, or anxiety about what lies ahead. They have been an invitation to inhabit now—not yesterday, not tomorrow—and to do so without the burdens of expectation and anticipation. 

We have made real progress on the chicken coop and have made a few mistakes that required do-overs. Drilling into wood with 3 ½ inch screws takes way more effort than it looked like when it was Sherod holding the drill. I’ve immersed myself in learning more about keeping a larger flock of chicken and we are now creating a space that will accommodate a pair of geese to help keep the chickens safe.  When the weather has permitted, Sherod and I have knocked off work early to jump in the pool for a while and I have gotten to visit a couple of friends I was missing. Stuff on my ‘to do list’ has gotten done after months of postponement. 

This morning, I watched Sherod maneuver his tractor with great dexterity and skill; my heart melted, not just because of him or what he was doing so well, but because he, and he and I, are still able to do something silly, fun, and good, really good. I knew I couldn’t take for granted that we’ll have other opportunities like this, and I also had the certainty that I simply couldn’t stop, worry, grieve in anticipation, or strain to see the what and wherefore of time not yet received. All I had to do was inhabit this moment, this place, this love. 

Today is half-way over and then we will have tomorrow. Early on Friday morning, Sherod will open the doors of his truck and Mo, Tux, and I, will head up to Birmingham so I can fly out to Portland. I have to allow all that to sort itself out on Friday, though. Today, we are taking Sunny to the vet to get her shots, and we’ll stop at the Ace Hardware store in Hayneville to get ‘barn red’ wood stain and the paint I need for the inside of the coop. There’s a lot of painting now. 

All this allows me to say in response to Moustaki’s song:  “Nous avons pris le temps d’aimer, d’être libre, mon amour.” We have taken the time to love, to be free, my love.

The roof is on!

We are really doing this thing! It’s hard and hot and dusty, and the coop construction is off to a great start. What to wear in the heat and humidity of early September, when I’m using a trimmer, raking, carrying stuff, crowbarring and climbing up and down ladders most of the day and breaking in a new pair of hiking books, amuses the heck out of me. I tried wearing the boots with just ankle socks that are light and cool, only to have the top of the boots about rub off the skin above my ankles. Today, I grabbed the first pair of regular socks I could find. I decided the combination was perfect! This is what a city slicker trying to be country looks like…

For the first few days, I struggled to accept how tired I really was. By Tuesday, though, Sherod and I got into the rhythm of working togethe. How we tackle a project like this is as different as night and day and we work best when I will simply stop asking questions or try to figure out what happens next. I’d describe my spouseman’s project style as ‘organic and emergent.’ He takes one step and it helps define the next one for him Usually there’s something I can do at each step but when there isn’t, I have a little list of to-do’s I go back to. If it were me? Give me that detailed flowchart right now! It takes me a bit to remember I can trust this guy is so amazing with this kind of work!

We have finished doing most of the ‘demo’ part of the project (yep–I’m getting to watch HGTV!) and the roof is up. This afternoon I’ll sand down the only wall we are keeping. Tomorrow I expect to receive the solar-panel driven electric fencing everyone swears I can put up by myself and I may be able to go get the paints for the interior of the coop.

A deep dive into chicken stuff on YouTube has given us the idea of building a “roosting etagere”

and we’ve found a set of nesting boxes that use space very efficiently. There’s still plenty else to figure out and we may not finish the project completely before I head out to Maine, but we are well on our way and good golly, this is fun!

Progress and more

We’ve stripped off everything that wouldn’t hold up for a new chicken coop–roof, walls, one of the shelves.

It took two trips to the big box hardware stores and a good bit of muttering and complaining, and an equal amount of negotiating but we now also have what we need to rebuild. There’s more coming in the mail. The interior designer of the coop, I’ve also settled on a color scheme for the inside, based on colors chickens like.

Today, the work gets interrupted while I run a couple of errands and Sherodsito works on his boat trailer. I don’t think we’ll have the coop finished up before I leave, but in the last couple of days before I go back to work, we should be able to wrap it all up.

The pace is slow enough, the mornings quiet enough, to enjoy a lot else.

Spider Lilly Blooming
The Zinnias Still Serving

Another one

September 4, 2022

There is much about a garden I understand far better now. I can see how the weather subtly (and sometimes, not so subtly) affects how a plant will grow, how well it will bloom. And there are still vast parts of the wilderness contained in the garden we try to keep, I have no clue about, and offer an endless stream of surprises.

Today it was this: a red spider lily beginning to bloom in the unlikeliest of places. I was out on frog patrol around our pool, looking for the hapless little amphibians who are lured into the water, can’t get out, and die of exhaustion. Just three days ag, there were four of them, a bear to catch and release. The routine doesn’t change: with scoop net in hand, I walk all the way around the pool, scanning both the bottom and the surface of the water, right next to the edges.

Today, something caught my eye where the pool skirt ends. I stopped and looked more closely. A very small red spider lily about to bloom. In the first couple of years after we moved to Lowndesboro, I’d forget about these beauties, another one of the magical harbingers of fall. Then, one morning, on my way to work, or on my way home, I’d see a flash of red. More often than not, I’d either stop and hit reverse or turn around and return to get out and look at the spider lily blooming on the side of the road. I’ve always gotten a little ‘flash forward’ of grey and chilly days, of sitting by the fireplace early in the morning the first time I see one. On and off, I’ve also thought I’d like a couple of patches of these lovely flowers in my garden; I’ve never done anything about it.

I certainly didn’t plant this one by our pool. I don’t know if I just never noticed it before, or it hasn’t pushed up through the ground since 2014. Perhaps, it’s come out each year but gotten mowed down by the Spouseman who loves him a really neat lawn with well-trimmed edges. I will accept this as a small gift of a Sunday morning free of a sermon I’ve been shaping all week and keeps me on a small adrenaline jag that intensifies in the couple of hours before church. I have been able to see this small miracle of beauty because I’m not engrossed in the silent prayers I raise, for enough people to come church, or propelled on by the need to press the blouse I’m planning to wear. That thing about the “tyranny of Sunday” for a priest–it is real.

Today I don’t have to hurry through my frog patrol to get on with my day. Not only were there no frogs to rescue. There was a spider lily waiting to be discovered. I got to walk in the midst of a quiet, rather cool, morning, in a liminal space that made the seeing the prayer.

Really happening

I slept in this morning, on the first day of my vacation. But by 6:18, my girl Tux just couldn’t stand it any longer and draped herself over me, her tail wagging so fast the whole bed shook. GET UP, GET UP, GET UP! How could I resist the happiness of that greeting!

This evening, the Mallowman and I are hosting a small dinner for some new neighbors and Sherod’s best friend and his wife. I am finding it quite wonderful to do a bit of heavier than usual cleaning and some cooking. But I am working slowly and stopping, like now, to attend to  other little bits and pieces of life that are so enjoyable with fewer constraints on my time.

About “THE PROJECT”: Yesterday, Sherod and our friend, Kelvin, began to do the very first of the work for the new chicken coop. Tomorrow, it will be me helping pull up the roof stuff that’s going to be replaced with a new tin roof.

The space we’re renovating was so cluttered and complicated when we bought this property that, truth be told, neither Sherod nor I ever really ventured in to take a good look at it.  Turns out we have some shelving that will be great for roosting and to hold the nesting boxes we’ll need to purchase when we go to my beloved Tractor Supply.  

The current Fort Yolk has a small enclosure that hardly qualifies as a true chicken yard. If I had it my way, I’d run the chicken run/yard all the way to the end of the property. Knowing my spouse, more than likely, I will have to settle for half that much.  The way we manage these joint efforts is to keep working out the details once the work starts. If I won’t get all uptight and outta sight, we will figure something out that works for both of us.  For now, the goal is to have removed all the rest of the roofing by tomorrow afternoon.

It’s Time: the chickens

I have a meeting to attend at 2 this afternoon. I need to do some final tidying up on my desk and an email to send out. Then, I am truly and officially on vacation. First up is the chicken coop. We won’t actually start working on it until Friday but last night, I placed the order to receive 10 little peeps on October 24th. Most of them are brown egg layers but two will lay blue eggs and two, olive green eggs. My little heart does a happy dance thinking of the morning when the postoffice calls me at abut six am to come pick up the tiny box full of the most beauteous little fluff ball chicks…

Quest, pilgrimage and sabbath – Part III

The Swans Close to Ljusterö, Sweden

I like planning and organizing sequences a lot. My freshman year in college, I took a course in BASIC, an old programming language from fairly early in the age of computers. What I remember loving was the flow charts we had to create as the first step in writing code. I loved the crispness and clarity they provided, the specificity of alternatives paths that opened based on yes/no decisions. That a task could be broken down to these exceedingly well-understood steps was both surprising and obvious. I still want to organize life, projects, all kinds of things, around a flowchart. And if I can put date and time and place and person in front of each step, even better.

I started out taking that approach when I finally settled on a trip to Maine next month. I have a basic timeline because I won’t be staying in a single place and had to make some reservations. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized I am a whole lot more comfortable moving through chaos than I used to be, a lot more willing to stay open to what may unfold in totally unexpected ways and places. As I made the decisions to leave most of the 12 days I’ll be in Maine blank, I turned back to a short, beautiful, book by Abraham Heschel called “The Sabbath.”

Heschel draws a distinction I find very helpful between time and space. He makes the argument that our relationship with space has a lot to do with mastery and control—we form and reform and reshape creation; most of our days are spent on those tasks. I don’t think Heschel intends to condemn those days. Certainly, I have known extraordinary joy and wonder on the occasions when I led or worked on a project where, not only were the results as good or better than I had hoped, but the relationships within the team had grown stronger because of the work we did together. Last weekend, I pulled out a recipe handwritten by mom at least 35 years ago, that took me two days to complete. At one point I had 5 bowls I was working with, moving quickly from one to the other. When I plated the dessert at my friend’s house, it felt like I had honored my mama by bringing that Charlotte Russe (the Swedish version) to celebrate two birthdays. I felt such satisfaction on her behalf. A recipe, like a flowchart, had given me a path to that moment and I was grateful.

But Heschel insists that to observing the Sabbath we must stop. Just stop. We cannot allow the next step, the next task, the next item on a to-do list, to hold us hostage. Within the bounds of 24 hours, the Sabbath allows those who observe it to sanctify time, because when we make that full stop, we allow God into our lives in a different way. The Sabbath allows us to “tend to the seeds of eternity planted in our souls,” in Heschel’s words.

Today is the second anniversary of my dad’s death. Stopping often this week to retrace our steps in those last days was probably inevitable. But repeatedly this week, it is another memory that surfaces. In 2012, my dad and I spent almost two weeks in Sweden so my dad could attend a class reunion and celebrate his 85th birthday. It was the height of summer and on our last night in Stockholm, we decided to ride the ferry that goes through the Stockholm archipelago, making many stops where people, going to spend some days in their summer homes, can disembark. We stayed on the ferry all along the route and had a lovely dinner on board. Then at about 9:30 or 10 that night, after feasting our eyes on the beauty that revealed itself all along the path through Baltic waters, we sat on a bench in the twilight of a Swedish summer night.

After a while in silence, my dad started talking. We’d just gone by the island where his parents rented a house in 1937. Already, the rumbles of war could be heard, even out there. But they were still distant enough and my dad was a young enough boy, that those were blissful days of time out of time. It was an exquisitely, heart-breaking-ly, beautiful moment of getting to know my dad as I never had before. I think I got some sense of the meaning of Sabbath as Heschel describes it, sitting on that bench with Dad. Time was sanctified.

My trip to Maine will be different because I will be alone. I have the sense that for Heschel, the Sabbath is deeply communal. My introverted self, who has been intensely engaged in my communal work as a priest, a mom, a wife, a friend, is longing for the open space and time of solitude. I will be able to follow where curiosity and wonder invite me. I have a couple of visits planned, including with my Godchild, whom I am extraordinarily proud of. I look forward to getting to know them as a young adult who has just bought a small market in a town along the coast. I will also blog a fair amount, I suspect. I won’t completely stay away from community.

But I am going to allow this part of the world I don’t know (except to understand it will remind me of Sweden with its granite cliffs facing out to the Atlantic) to tell me new stories. In the words of Parker Palmer, I am going to allow “my life to speak to me.” Sabbath begins, appropriately enough, close to sundown on a Friday, in 3 weeks, when I land in Portland, get my rental car and head out to places I’ve never been.

Hiking Gear

Quest, pilgrimage, sabbath Part II

There is a striking scene towards the end of the movie The Way starring Martin Sheen. A dad who got that most devastating of all calls in the middle of the night, Sheen must travel to France unexpectedly. He is going to pick up the ashes of his somewhat estranged son who died in a freak storm as he started a pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago (Way of St James). One thing leads to another, and Sheen decides do the pilgrimage, carrying his son’s ashes with him. There are beautiful, transformative moments along the path, filled to the brim with grief, self-discovery, laughter. Finally, he arrives in Santiago and heads to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela to participate in the daily Pilgrim’s Mass, replete with medieval majesty and mystery.

One of traditions of the Camino involves getting on your knees for the very last stretch of the journey, as you make your way from the entrance of the church to the foot of a large statue of St. James. Sheen, whose character is a hard-charging lawyer, has been reclaiming his Roman Catholic identity all along the way. In the doorway, he hesitates for a split second and then slowly, carefully, not without difficulty, goes down on his knees to end his pilgrimage as millions of other faithful people have done since the eleventh century. I found that scene very moving, always imagined I would do the same. To me, it’s yet another way in which our bodies can be vessels of grace and give witness to the agency at the heart of all faith. You choose to take those final steps on your knees not because you have to, but because you can, because it is an act of humility, because to me, this is an act of gratitude. I don’t believe a statue is endowed with any special, magical powers. Rather, it is part of the sacramentality that has been so central to my faith: what we can touch, feel, see, smell is able to serve as an outward and visible sign of an inwardly and invisible grace. Even if I never walk the Camino, I will always be able to imagine the awe I’d experience after walking from Porto to Santiago, the joy in my capacity in body, heart, and mind, to go in search of, and find a holy place.

Reflecting on the stretch of time I will have in September, I’ve wondered what a pilgrimage might look like for me in my current, bounded, set of circumstances. When I am willing to practice patience (not often), I find a new possibility usually emerges that cannot replace what had to be let go of, but has its own wonder and meaning—its own holiness.

Instead of going to Santiago, I am going to spend most of the last two weeks of the month in Maine. In the strictest sense of the word, this won’t be a pilgrimage. By definition, a pilgrimage is a journey to a shrine or sacred site. That’s not what I’m going to do; I’m not even sure I’ll make it to church at all. I am simply yearning to spend most of those days outside. I am already selecting the trails I will hike, the places where I want to sit on the edge of a cliff, looking out at the same Atlantic as I would have seen had I been on the Camino. I’ll even wave, in case Mary can see me. One day, I hope to be a straight-out tourist: go out to sea to try to see whales. The first time I went on retreat, my friend Robin told me to take a camera to look for God. It’s been advice I’ve followed ever since. I am looking forward to doing lots of photography. I also have a brand-new Moleskine to write in. And I will get to keep silence. Lots of silence. I have a couple of visits planned but I will spend most of my time alone, and I am putting a plan together to go to places where there will not be big tourist crowds. That feels like heaven.

“Lord, you give the great commission” is a well-known hymn in the Episcopal Church. When I took my General Ordination Exam, I had to write an essay about the theology of mission of the hymn. The line that guided my effort to answer that question is at the beginning of the third verse: “Lord, you make the common holy…” That line comes back to me as I consider my time in Maine. There may not be a shrine. I surely will not approach the statue of a saint on my knees to touch it as I raise a prayer at journey’s end. And. I will be on holy ground because all ground is holy and all time can be sanctified. Not the Way of Santiago, but actually, a pilgrimage nonetheless…

Quest, pilgrimage and sabbath, Part I

Me, Circa 1967

For months I went back and forth about my plan for September. Walking one of the routes of “Camino de Santiago,” the web of pilgrimage paths that lead to the city of Santiago de Compostela in Spain, has been a dream of mine for a good 25 years. I was going to take this September to walk the Coastal Portuguese Way; my most wonderful friend M was going to walk with me. I even renamed this blog of mine in honor of that journey. Then, the Omicron wave hit. War broke out in Ukraine. My Dutch brother said, “this is not the time to travel in Europe.” The dissonance between what a pilgrimage is supposed to be, and my own anxiety was too great; in May I cancelled my trip to Portugal and Spain.

For weeks after, I sat with the disappointment. Small alternative plans were made that fell apart. Over and over, I asked myself, “why was this important, what was this all about?” Gradually, I realized this is part of a far larger ‘life project.’ In a sense, it’s a quest, about looking for something specific. A quest I’ve been on for most of my life, to find peace and acceptance of myself as flesh, and bone, and blood.

Until around my mid-twenties, my experience of myself was filled with considerable pain, physically, but even more so, in heart and mind and spirit. The realities surrounding my left hip—its malformation, all the surgeries, pins through my bone that were tightened daily for weeks to force my femur to grow (necessary torture so I could have reconstructive surgery), made pain a constant. To this day, just the thought of getting blood drawn sends my heart racing; there are so many memories of nurses digging to find a new vein for an IV in the arm of a very little girl. Makes my skin crawl.

As I moved into adolescence, this split between the reality of what it meant to be this particular body and what seemed reasonable to hope for about myself got more difficult. I began to struggle with my weight. I had to get glasses. Those hideous orthopedic shoes I’ve written about before. It’s not that there weren’t good times and privilege; absolutely there were. It’s just that, at a time when you are constantly comparing yourself, I became more and more alienated and filled with despair by a body that left me feeling isolated, that failed me as I tried to find a place in the world where I fit. For so many of those years, I lived in my head and in the books that opened worlds I could inhabit free of all that was wrong with me.

Then, the day finally came when l fell in love, madly, deeply, passionately. After a particularly wonderful day with my love, I lay in bed that night thinking, this must be what it is like to be a ballerina when she is able to be more true to dance, move more gracefully, than she ever has before. Who I had been that day, what I had been able to offer without shame or self-consciousness, was only possible in this particular body, this one and no other. I had done everything I could to leave my body in any way I could, and the only hope for a meaningful life was to find my way back to it. Love allowed me to discover there was, in fact, a way back.

I reached a different milestone the year Sherod began to work on his DMin in Chicago. We lived in Memphis at the time, and he’d be gone for 6 weeks that summer. I was determined not to be a clingy, needy wife, even if we’d never been apart for so long. I asked myself what I might do to be true to myself in the meantime. I am the granddaughter of a sailor and sea captain. I don’t know why I thought that mattered but it seemed reason enough to enroll in a 10-day sailing class by taught by women for women, on the west coast of Florida. I think the picture that follows says it all…

Me, Circa 1967

The next big step came with my mother’s death. For a number of reasons, I began to walk every evening. At first I went to the end of the street we lived on. I kept pushing though, so by the time Sherod and I left Fort Lauderdale, I was walking 6 or so miles every night, and had completed a walking half-marathon that was part of the Mercedes Benz Marathon in Birmingham. I got strong enough (and brave enough) to go zip-lining through the rain forest in Panamá, on a visit to see my dad.

Alto Volcán, Panamá 2012

In 2013, also took a 30 day sabbatical/silent retreat that allowed me to do magnificent hiking around Lake Tahoe. Each part of the quest helped me discover something new, usually a gift of being myself in my body, that pulled me deeper into hope and joy.

Tahoe, 2013

Then, shortly after I returned from my retreat in Tahoe , life as I had been carefully building it, unraveled. The details are still painful to consider but on June 20, 2014, Sherod and I began the move to Alabama. As we pulled out of Fort Lauderdale, I remember seriously wondering if I would be able to make it through this move, started feeling like I would end up crushed beyond recognition.

Sherod stayed until the movers unloaded our household goods in our new home in Lowndesboro but he still had to finish up his pastorate in Fort Lauderdale. He headed back south and then, I was on my own for almost 3 months. After Sherod left, I started getting to know the 4 acres of our small farm/homestead and realized it was up to me to make sure the garden around our house and our two pastures did not grow wild beyond all reason. All we had was a push mower and for those 12 weeks, when I wasn’t busy with my part-time job, I mowed. I mean, I mowed a lot. Most days, I cried as I went back and forth from one end of the property to the other. At night, I’d go to bed so exhausted I was asleep in less than 5 minutes; it was good, restful, renewing, sleep.

Having a body able to do the hard work of mowing through an Alabama summer gave me a way to grieve what needed to be grieved, ensured bitterness and despair did not take hold. I found myself in a healthier space than I’d ever had before, unafraid to look at what had happened, not just what others had done and said, but also my own failures. My tears were a baptism of repentance and in equal measure, of forgiveness. I was set free to find my way in a new version of life, the kind I think is meant in the Gospel of John when Jesus said, “I have come that you might have life, and life abundant.”

These last years have been about navigating through a world turned upside down, still looking for, and sometimes finding, pieces of myself I did not want to accept, tried to abandon, or at least ignored. I can’t imagine I’m that different from anybody else. I’m going to take that month off, come September 1, because the quest does continue. What I’ve also figured out is this time will also be about pilgrimage and sabbath. (to be continued)